Not Good at Grief?

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I am not good at grief. It feels weird that I even said that. I mean, who wants to be “good at grief” and what does that mean anyway? It isn’t that I don’t grieve, it is that I immediately move into organization mode.

Those who know me know I have experienced a great many losses in my life. Just in recent years I have lost a grandfather, a grandmother, two aunts, two cousins, and my baby brother. Each time my gut reaction was “what can I do?”

Today is the five year anniversary of my brother’s death. A lot has changed in that five years. My oldest has graduated high school and is about to graduate college. My youngest is about to graduate high school. His baby girl is 7 and his wife is now engaged to another man. Plus, we have lost several more family members.

You know how I dealt with my feelings today? I did tasks. I worked. I cleaned. I paid bills. Anything but sit ant think.

Some may say that isn’t healthy, but the truth is, we all grieve differently. Some need a good cry. Others do something in that person’s memory. Still others find something to do to just “get through the day”. That is me.

That isn’t to say I don’t feel my grief. I have always felt it. Now they just sit further below the surface, and more importantly, I am better able to get through this day.

While this is who I am and how I deal with things, I have actually been told it is ok, as long as I am actually dealing with things. But you see, I deal with them on my own terms. How? Time for sure, but also counseling. Several times during the last couple of years I have reached out to a counselor. While I don’t remember crying during those sessions either, I still expressed emotion.

So while again I am not overwhelmed with emotion, you can bet I feel it. I lost my only sibling that day. The only person who could relate to my childhood years. The only other person who could really “get” who I am. So today I am grieving, and there have been other days of grief too, but I will continue to do it my way. Even if some people say I am doing it wrong.