Two Years Later

Two years. Unbelievable it has been two years. Two years of grief. Two years of learning to live through it.

Two years ago all I could think was, “This sucks!” That is not a word I usually use, and not one I want my children to use. But when you lose your brother suddenly at the age of 35, when the only other person who can really relate to your childhood is gone, that is the only phrase that seems to describe it.

I could say, “This stinks!” But no matter how many times you say it, it just doesn’t really say it. Nothing really says it. That feeling hasn’t changed.

We had an amazing amount of support after Jimmy’s death. The amount of cards, meals, calls, visits and so much other help was outstanding. I have had people prayer with me, hug me and support me in so many ways.

But now we are two years down the road and life around us has returned to “normal”. They don’t warn you about that part. They don’t tell you about the time when everyone else goes back to work, school and their schedules. They don’t explain how the shock may be gone, but the grief never really goes away.

As a family we have had our moments of blinding grief, laughing memories, and just plain silence. In all of this, I take comfort in knowing where my brother has gone and that we can keep him alive with memories. But somewhere along the way I have started to get something else out of it.

My brother loved children, especially junior high children. While that age has always made me a little crazy, he really enjoyed them. He talked to his students and they responded to him. He was also hugely giving. He was always doing something for someone.

Ironically, he emotionally took a beating many times in his life. He liked to debate, but what many didn’t know was how big his heart was. They would take it further than I believe he knew it was going to go and his ego and heart would be bruised. He felt those beatings deeply.

Since his death I have tried to remember life is short, and I have come to realize I want to be remembered for helping and loving others, not complaining and judging them. I hope to never make someone else feel like a few made him feel.

So as we work through this second anniversary, I hope to continue to keep his memory alive through his love for others. To love on those around me and not judge them.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH 4, 2018